Talk:Michael/@comment-8470110-20150605163741
This story has some pretty good potential. It's well structured and has a pretty good flow to it. However, there are certain flaws with it that hinder the experience. The main thing that drags it down a bit is the opening paragraph for the sole reason of it having no context. We don't know the characters, conflict nor the reason of the intrusion due to it starting right at the action. While it's admirable to do so, it doesn't work too well here because it doesn't answer questions; it raises them. The story could start in the middle of the action, sure, however you need to go back and establish the reasons for the intrusion, why Donavan is so scared of this person and why the intruder has been following him for the past while. The story needs more context and world building to establish itself. Next we have our characters in the form of Donavan and Michael.We have no rapport with these characters, we have no empathy for Donavan or fear of Michael. Rather, they're just there. It's stated that they're old friends but how long have they been friends? 3 years? 30? We aren't given the answer to that and as such, we don't believe they are friends, especially if Michael is attempting murder against his best friend. Again, this goes back to context. You need to give situations in your story that shows that they're friends and that they care for each other then have a point where something happens that made Michael want to kill Donavan. Without an established relationship between these characters, the reader won't believe it and become invested in it. The last thing I want to talk about is just a personal nitpick: excessive repetition of words. The words 'Donavan', 'blade', 'creep' and 'Michael' are dropped more times than they should be due to unexpansive vocabulary. If alternatives for these words can be found or if remodeling of sentences to reduce the number of times these words are dropped per paragraph, the story might have a better flow to it. All in all, the big thing this story needs is'' detail. ''We need more detail of Donavan and Michael's relationship. We need more depth in our protagonist's gruesome end. We need better pacing in places to have tension grow, some dialogue between the characters to really drive home what could happen and what's at stake. Regardless, I enjoyed reading this. I could clearly see what was happening and there was some tension as it came to a head with Donavan ultimately being cannibalized. Yet I know this story can be better and I know you're capable of such a task. Just take some time and think about what you can do to make this story even better and then tackle it as you can. If you need any help, don't hesitate to contact me or any other NUA (New User Advisor) and we will gladly assist you. A good story, no doubt, but it can be great with some extra attention and care. Rating: 5/10 -Cameron Simo (Sshakenbakee, Head New User Advisor)